Almost broke down today.
I love my life here but I also hate it so so much because I am sharing a flat with other people.
I want to live alone, at least I am only sorting out my own shit.
I have been in so many different flats to date and just because one person must always be the more responsible one, that person (me) will always be taken advantage of. Also surprised how people can justify having such a low standard of tidiness.
With the financial pressure, work pressure and just in general the need of having a relaxed weekend. This is not really fun at all. All because I need to hire maids, and workers to clean out the excessive trash!
Today I almost, well I did slightly, broke down and I thought to myself I wish I could leave all these behind and run away back home where everything will be taken care of.
Then I composed myself, wrote everything I need to do between now and my new flatmate moves in. Tasked some people to do it. Sent a few messages. Did some booking. Made a few calls. Took a few items down.
Now I have a clear timeline of what will happen. I am feeling less stressed finally.
Make a list, or timeline, it always works.
Consultancy hack. Lol.
Every now and then, the bad memories I had with him would hit me. And then I reassured myself I am a lot happier without him.
Today, when I was at the pool, I remember the times we used to spend there playing games. And all the rest of the good memories came back.
Then I realised I was very very happy indeed back then, until I realised everything was a lie.
For a while during the reminiscence I blamed myself for being so weak, and for not being able to forget about it even after 8 whole months.
But after all of these thinking, I have decided that at least I have something good to take away with me. And the bad have led me to something better. So it is not altogether that bad. I have become a better person, a girl who is not afraid to express herself anymore. And I am thankful for that.
And now I hope this time round I have finally liberated myself. I am free.
All these things that I have gone through can only lead me to something better.
Today I feel very thankful for what had happened to me. Very thankful.
Tickets to Berlin in November booked!
Tickets to Morocco in Christmas to be booked soon!!!
Finished reading my Murakami book yesterday, feels so great! The last time I finished reading a book was forever ago.
Already bought another, decided to keep up with this good habit!
Amongst a sea of angst-ridden faces of early commuters in the London tube this morning, saw a small yellow butterfly flying weakly in the middle of the carriage. Looked as if she was trying to find a shoulder to land on..
I thought to myself, what brought her into this humid and packed train carriage? Must have followed one of the commuters from over the ground..
I wish she would be able to find her way out in the midst of this busy reality that doesn’t belong to her in any way.
Hope is a dangerous thing, so they say.
I kissed someone tonight, it feels great.
London has changed massively since I graduated from university, it’s amazing, the amount of things I can do on a weekend!
Yesterday we cycled from Kings Cross to Hackney through the Regent’s Canal. It was a beautiful sunny day, the peaceful water surface of the canal full of those floating blue-green algae, long canal boats, outdoor cafes on the side. It’s just wonderful.
Shame I didn’t take a single photo of this wonderful side of London, because if I did I would probably have fallen down the canal haha!
Really wish I could somehow share all these incredible things with the friends I have in HK, sometimes my life is too separated from reality. Right now, right at this minute, where I am is reality. But this reality will soon no longer be true, counting down…
I have come to think that life is a far more limited thing than those in the midst of its maelstorm realize. That light shines into the act of life for only the briefest moment-perhaps only a matter of seconds. Once it is gone and failed to grasp its offered revelation, there is no second chance. One may have to live the rest of one’s life in hopeless depth of loneliness and remorse. In that twilight world, one can no longer look forward to anything. All that such a person holds in his hands is the withered corpse of what should have been. — ― Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle
Been reading this Murakami book to find solitude recently. Ever since work has gotten busier I realise how important it is to zone out to my world of reading whenever I can. Could finally find my peace of mind through reading!
Everyone has different priorities, I can’t blame someone on the street for walking slowly in front of me (during peak hours for god sake!), because it is not his fault, he can have his own pace in life.
Using the same theory, I can’t judge people who are taking their time to find out what they want in life. We all have different priorities, and if you’ve decided to take your time, no one can blame you, it’s your life- well as long as you are not slowing me down, so perhaps I could blame the man who walked slowly in front of me really.
I have chosen what I want to do with my life, no one can stop me now, and I will not give up. But at the same time, I know it is very risky, the kind of thrill we all need in life though, no?
I have come to learn that willpower is very important nowadays, we do what we think is right for us. There is no excuse to do something wrong when we know it’s wrong.