I am now 100% sure that my feelings for you have gone completely, ever since we had that conversation last week.
when you said to me you lust for me, you dream about me, you think of me. when you asked me whether I’ve been dating anyone..and you also told me that I should know it’s not true that you never find me sexy.
how dare you. it’s none of your business, and nothing is important anymore. i do not want to know, and please, learn how to respect the others.
to me, you’re nothing but a liar now.
I feel sad not because I’ve lost you, it’s because I am disappointed in you, i am sad that I never thought you would hurt me like that. and to be honest.. I do really like your family, they are all lovely, and it’s great to have such a big family… why can’t you be like them! why can’t you treasure what you have!
And it’s not gonna be worth it, when you’ve made me feel like I am the unluckiest person in the world because I was with you. I can really do better. how i wish you can disappear from my life.. completely.I don’t even want to be friends with you anymore now. you have disgusted me.
'It's for the better.'
That’s what you said to me. I’m being crazily emotional these days, because a part of me still want to be with you, a huge part of me still misses you. However, I am thankful that you’ve let me go. Otherwise I will still be unhappy.
Indeed I have not been happy since November. When I read all my blog entries, even the private ones. I realised.. even though we went to Croatia and Budapest over Christmas…even though I think the day when we had ice-skating was the best day ever.. because you tried for me and we became kids again.. those memories.. are just.. things that I think about whenever I am sad. As if.. I am unhappy.. but we had these memories! The fact is, the trust was broken since November, and no matter what we did, I was still unhappy, those happy moments I had during Christmas only made me perhaps 5% happier.
I have been thinking about a lot of ‘what if’s’ these days. What if he didn’t do that in the first place? What if he wasn’t a weirdo on another side? And what if he has been handling the passed away of his dad better? What if he has started treating me much better ever since November? and what if…? Things would have been perfect, wouldn’t it? He would have been the perfect guy, wouldn’t he? However, I come to realise that there are so many what if’s. So so so many that… they are telling me, it’s not the ‘what if’s’ anymore, it is just not meant to be, and I have to face it.
So I’ve decided to really move on now. I am still sad, I still miss him. I miss his hugs and kisses, I miss seeing him playing with my pusheen cat. I still cry. I dream of him almost every night. But I’ve decided to move on. I’ve decided to put our best memory- Berlin and the summer which we spent so much time playing in the park, and going to edc… I’ve decided to put these memories maybe in my dream.. maybe at the deepest part of my heart, buried. They are still there, but if I don’t put them down, if I keep holding on to it, better things will not come. And I will not be happy.
Moving on is hard, letting go is sad. But holding on is even sadder for me. Therefore the answer is pretty obvious, I need to take up the challenge and come out stronger. And I have promised myself that I will learn to love myself, before loving anyone next time. I will still be brave enough to love someone else, but I will be smart and careful. And maybe I need some luck too :)
some people need to realise that they need to piss off. because when they go away, it’s a sunny day.
The Things We Never Realize Until It’s Too Late | Thought Catalog
19 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Turned 20 so I Didn’t Waste a Decade -
To remind everyone of us.
我問為什麼 那女孩傳簡訊給我 而你為什麼 不解釋 低著頭沉默
我該相信你很愛我 不願意敷衍我 還是明白你已不想挽回什麼
＊想問為什麼 我不再是你的快樂 可是為什麼 卻苦笑說我都懂了
自尊常常將人拖著 把愛都走曲折 假裝了解是怕 真相太赤裸裸
記得那片星空 最緊的右手 最暖的胸口
記得感覺洶湧 最美的煙火 最長的相擁
誰愛的太自由 誰過頭太遠了 誰要走我的心 誰忘了那就是承諾
誰自顧自地走 誰忘了看著我 誰讓愛變沉重 誰忘了要給你溫柔
記得那片星空 最緊的右手 最暖的胸口
我放手 我讓座 假灑脫 誰懂我多麼不捨得
太愛了 所以我 沒有哭 沒有說
I don’t realise that the feelings of being heartbroken can last so long.
I have never cried for someone like this before. I guess.. I was in love.
But being in love with the wrong person hurts. So I will remember this from now on. and learn to love myself before loving someone else.
It’s not just about the good times you have, it’s also about the obstacles you can go through together and still say I love you in the end.